Janna Becherer -
You already know what dis-connects you: angry words, hostile moods, attitude, criticism. Any time you reduce those, you create the possibility for goodness to flow back into your relationship. When you want to re-connect with each other, there are two main ways to do it. First, use non-verbals to close the distance. Why? Because your "old brain" trusts body language more than words, so it's really powerful communication. The core body tools are to look at your partner with soft eyes and with a smile. Next, scan your upper body and go into receiving mode. This involves an open posture instead of arms crossed and folded, consciously softening your chest with a good exhale breath, and visualizing a nest in your heart where you can hold your mate. Second, use magic words. Not in the Harry Potter sense exactly, but you could think of it as casting a good spell. The most magical connecting words are: thank you, please and I'm sorry. In addition, weave some sweet or pet names into your dialogue. They carry their own kind of magic and it's hard to stay hurt and angry when you're calling someone honey or darling.
These ideas were introduced to me at the Imago Relationship Conference by another couples counselor. I liked them so much I am sharing with you today and with many thanks to Antoinette for sharing them with me.