Relationship Tips
Bring Back Trust
When trust has been broken or damaged, it can certainly be restored, but it takes time, patience, and trustworthy behaviors from both of you. Even if you are the wronged party, you can begin by creating a trusting environment—act as if you trust your partner again, even when you’re uncertain, so they can live up to your highest, not your lowest, vision for the two of you. I’m not saying this is easy, but it is a necessary step towards restoration.
Let Go of the Past
Neither of you can change what has already happened, regardless of how much it hurt. When you bring up that old ‘stuff,’ your partner will either shut down or get defensive. As Dr. Phil would say, ‘How’s that working for you?’ Not very well! The negative chatter in your brain is likely your opinions, judgments, and beliefs robbing you of loving energy. Focus on the present moment and make it good—you will reduce stress for both of you.
Catch Your Partner Doing Something Right?
Follow it up with an appreciative or approving comment. According to Dr. John Gottman, in the healthiest marriages, there are five positive interactions for every negative one. When you feel distant and disconnected, it may be because you both are starving for approval and appreciation from your partner. It can be as simple as saying “thank you for…”, giving a specific compliment, or even saying “that was great.”
Quit Playing "Tug Of War" With Each Other
When you can let go of the need to be right, you can open the door to love and understanding. Someone has to let go of the rope and end the power struggle. Are you open to making that move? Offer a different solution (“You know, this isn’t working for us. What if we tried this instead?” or even “yes, I know I said I would do this, and I haven’t done it”), or suggest three alternatives and let your partner pick the most appealing one.
Transform Yourself Into a Good Listener
This is actually an advanced relationship skill. It takes practice, patience, and staying open to your partner. Here’s how: stop, look, and listen! Specifically, stop multitasking and give your undivided attention to the Talker until they are finished. Look at your behavior: do you tend to interrupt or tell the Speaker that they are wrong, or do you just leave the room in frustration? Do you get defensive and justify your own actions? No, no, no—that won’t make things better! Instead, stay quiet and simply listen. When the Talker is done, a Good Listener paraphrases or summarizes to see if they “got it” (this doesn’t mean you agree, just that you heard it). The secret is to stay open and curious about what’s going on with your partner so you can reconnect. When we coach couples, this is one of the most requested skills, both to feel closer again and to reduce conflict.
Apply Some Emotional Intelligence
If your partner does these things, then it’s important to manage your reaction to keep a conflict from erupting. You can take a deep breath, you can give yourself a mini time-out to calm down, or you can be mindful of your own feelings. Ask yourself, “What is happening inside me right now? What do I need to do?” “What do I most want for our relationship, and how can I best get that to happen?” This buys you a little time to think before reacting.
When you can calm yourself, another great question to ask is, “What do I think is really going on with him/her?” Maybe your partner misses your snuggle time, or thinks you have time and energy for everyone else, or is stressed and worried about something. Your answer can suggest a way to respond, perhaps with a hug, scheduling some pleasant couple time, or a relaxing foot and/or back rub.
De-escalate Conflicts Before They Get Ugly
Are you tired of the same old arguments? In many long-term relationships, certain phrases can jump-start a fight: these include “you always,” “you never,” and “you should.” Asking “why questions” can also trigger an argument because they come across as blaming, causing the receiver’s defenses to rise. Sometimes the triggers are non-verbal: you know when you get “the look,” or the eye-roll, or your spouse starts walking away. So, one really effective strategy is to stop using these phrases, questions, and non-verbal behaviors. If you tend to use any of these, stop now, and you will see a positive difference.
Instead, try using an “I-statement” (instead of a “you-statement”) to explain how your partner’s behavior affects you. For example, “When you do x, I get upset, and I start thinking that you don’t care about me. I know that I react by getting defensive, and I would rather work with you than against you.”
Have Fun Together
Schedule a date and agree in advance that your hot-button issues are left behind during the date. Go somewhere you used to enjoy, or try a new activity that you both might like. It’s time to put a good experience into your relationship.
Every Day, Reserve Some Energy For Your Relationship
If you spend all your energy at work, on your toddlers, dealing with three kids and seven different sports, family or community requests, surfing the web, watching or playing on your favorite teams, then your relationship is last on the priority list—and it shows. Save some energy to reconnect. Ask how their day went, welcome them home with a hug & smile, and give your undivided attention for at least five minutes every time you come back together after being apart.
Be the Partner That You Would Like To Have
This is a variation of the Golden Rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Ask yourself, “What is it like to come home to me?” Are you warm, welcoming, inviting, kind, caring, and thoughtful? Isn’t that what you want? Maybe you think you are too angry and frustrated to behave this way; perhaps you believe your spouse doesn’t deserve kindness from you. However, acting ticked-off and annoyed typically leads to more of the same. You are probably both ready for a change from the same old destructive behavior. Revive the behaviors that you used in the early days of your relationship—they worked back then, and they can work again now.