Forgiving Each Other

What is forgiveness? Besides something we need to practice, above all, it is a gift we give ourselves, not a gift for someone else. Want to know more? So did I, and I learned a lot at the workshop “Anger, Forgiveness, and the Healing Process” by Dr. Paula Butterfield. She explained that we need to distinguish forgiving from forgetting, condoning, or reconciling.

Forgetting and forgiving is a myth. We rarely forget, but we can choose to forgive. Why would you ever choose this? To free yourself from resentment, bitterness, and anger, which is a high-stress way to live.

Condoning. Forgiving doesn’t mean minimizing or denying the wrongdoing, or excusing the other person’s responsibility. It is possible for us to forgive the person without condoning the behavior.

Reconciling. At times, reconciliation is not an option. Some of the most difficult situations involve people who do not want our forgiveness and/or do not admit any wrongdoing. Still, the importance of forgiving is so the person forgiving can heal.

How do you get from here (hurting, suffering, feeling like a victim) to there (forgiving, healing your wounded heart, resilient survivor)? There are several paths you can take and one of my favorites (adapted from “Storycatcher” by Christina Baldwin) is to tell a 4-part story about your experience. Here are the steps—and you would write out each one in detail:

  1. Describe the EVENT (what happened).
  2. The IMPACT then (your survivor tale).
  3. The MEANING now (your integration & learnings story).
  4. The TRANSFORMING possibilities (how I can go forward and move beyond).

— by Janna Becherer, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Certified Imago Relationship Therapist