When trust has been damaged or broken, it can take a long, long time to rebuild your relationship. If you are the one who caused the damage, you find that you have a lot of work to do. Meanwhile, your partner will be cautious, unsure, angry, and tentative because they don’t want to be hurt again. Here are ten ways to live a trustworthy life. You will need to do these every day, over and over, with commitment and patience.
• 10. Give extra energy and time to making your partner feel special by meeting their needs. Don’t know those needs? Ask. Ask for a list of the small daily practices that make them feel cared about—like bringing a cup of coffee, or leaving a thinking-about-you note/text, making plans for an outing, or doing a disliked chore for them.
• 9. Apologize right away if you slip up, express remorse, and admit that you were wrong. Create a plan to avoid a repeat and share the details.
• 8. When you will be later than expected, call or text with the reason and your revised ETA. Double-check to make sure your message was received.
• 7. Actions do speak louder than words. If it would reassure your partner, do the things that show you are serious about restoring trust. Change phone numbers, unfriend on Facebook, block messages, change email accounts, and even be willing to look for a different job.
• 6. Report in about where you are and what you are doing—as often as your partner wants and until they tell you they don’t need this anymore.
• 5. Share your detailed schedule for the day and the week. When you are together, tell about your day’s activities.
• 4. Freely give all passwords for computers, tablets, phones, etc. No secret accounts!!! Invite your partner to review what you are sending out as well as incoming messages.
• 3. Reflect on the ways you broke trust and the factors that contributed. Share these insights with your partner and answer their questions. Create a plan to get your needs met in healthier, non-damaging ways. Hire a professional counselor for support and ideas.
• 2. Say, “I’m sorry. I know how much I hurt you” as often and for as long as your partner wants this. It will be longer than you think necessary.
• 1. Stop the trust-breaking offensive behavior. Now. Today. All the way. No fudging, no excuses.
— Janna Becherer, LCPC, Imago Relationship Therapist
