There are three A’s worth their weight in gold, and they apply to all of our relationships: Acceptance, Appreciation, and Affection. When you receive these on a regular basis, you feel loved and well-cared-for. When you give these to your partner every day, they will be happy coming home to you.
I first heard about these from former radio host Dr. Laura (Laura Schlessinger, author of The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands). She emphasizes how important they are to a successful relationship, and I totally agree with her on this (although I disagree with her on other things too, but that’s a different post).
Acceptance means that you fundamentally accept your partner as a person. Deep down, you like him or her. It shows up in the way you look softly into those eyes, in your calm (not harsh) tone of voice, and in your bemused smile when they indulge in that quirky habit. In her book The Divorce Remedy, Michelle Weiner-Davis says this often occurs in the fourth stage of marriage, “That’s just the way my partner is.” We don’t get as upset about things that used to frustrate us; we accept each other’s flaws knowing that they put up with ours.
Appreciation makes your partner feel good and conveys that you notice positive things about their looks, words, and behaviors. You might say, “Gosh, you’re pretty!” or “Thank you. What a nice thing to say,” or “I appreciate you emptying the dishwasher, folding the laundry, or buying milk without my asking.” It’s a compliment, an awareness, and a verbal hug all rolled into one. And you probably don’t need me to tell you that when you make your beloved feel good, they just might return the favor.
Affection encompasses actual hugs, cuddling, “just thinking about you” texts/emails, and holding hands in public. It’s that smile across the room at a party or a shared “can you believe he said that?” look at a family gathering. Showing affection meets our basic human need for touch without any strings attached. This distinguishes affection from foreplay, although at times it can be a precursor to intimacy. If you only use affectionate touch when you are hoping for intimacy, you may discover that your partner backs away or freezes. That’s because you are still using teenage methods with a grown-up partner; your technique needs to catch up. What to do? Try thinking about it as a ratio. For instance, maybe “Jane” needs 5 affectionate hugs to every 1 hug with sexual intent. It’s worth experimenting to figure out the ratio that meets your partner’s needs, and you will know by the response you get.
Some of you may claim that you are just not affectionate or good at approval or appreciation either. While that may be true now, it shows up as a big gap in your relationship skill level. It may take practice, practice, practice. I hope you will practice because these are necessary skills to even get a passing grade, let alone straight A’s.
— by Janna Becherer, Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Certified Imago Relationship Therapist
